The other day in my Creative Writing class, we were grouped in fours for workshops. Workshops meaning handing each other a copy of the rough draft of our work and giving each other feedback.
We’d done it once before and I noticed the small act and comments but didn’t pay attention to it. But this time, I listened and let them form in my ears.
I wrote this at 3 in the morning, so it’s not so good.
I feel like I wrote this wrong.
It’s really bad so don’t judge me.
I even caught myself saying I literally wrote this yesterday and it’s crap, I know.
The disclaimers continued to ring in my ears and I began to grow upset; with myself, with my classmates, and with everyone who’s ever said such phrases.
Why do we feel the need to put down our own work?
Why do we feel the need to justify the quality of it with things such as the amount of time if took to create it?
Why do we feel the need to push away our creations when showing them to others?
I don’t understand the concept, but I am guilty of this in various different situations.
And then I realized what one of the reasons for my disclaimers might be: when I write, I am threading small pieces of my heart into that piece. I write about something personal to me,whether it be a character trait or the poem itself. I am placing my baby, my tiny little creation, into a world of judgement and opinionated mouths and it terrifies me to have. I am trying to dis-attach myself from it so I personally don’t get judged, so the person reading it does not think that I am responsible for the grammatical errors or the misuse of words or for the way that none of it makes sense.
I am trying to make myself immune to the comments that blanket it when it is passed around to read.
I am trying to distance myself from a possible failure and to try and feel nothing as it is ripped apart.
But then what does that make me if I don’t take pride in my creations? In what could have a fifty percent chance of failing or a fifty percent chance of succeeding?
Does that make me a coward? A fake? A liar?
In one word; Yes.
It makes me unworthy of what I have to offer. It makes me unworthy of such words that contain my vulnerability and my self.
So I’ve decided that tomorrow, when I turn in my latest poem and a classmate asks to read it, I will comply and stand by my creation of my mistakes and my truths.
It will be a bad habit to break, I have been disclaiming my actions for as long as I can remember.
I am in a Creative Writing class, a major in Creative Writing. It is time that I begin to believe in all my writing.