(So much for posting more things on here haha.)
Well hey guys.
Recently I’ve had a lot of different changes going on in my life right now. I’d been hanging out with friends a lot more often now and going on random little road trips with them to beaches and movies and practically everywhere else. But yes, one of those changes still involves my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Or boyfriend. I am not entirely sure exactly where we’re at right now.
Here’s what happened: We began talking again recently and were having normal conversations like how friends do. And it was going really well. Nothing was really awkward or weird and there were no silences in between our conversations anymore. I felt as if I was able to really have a relationship with him that wasn’t romantic. We did have a heart to heart about how things ended between us. I was able to tell him exactly where my mind set was at the time and all the other things I’d been keeping bottled up. And vise versa. We wanted to fix them.
He told me that he still loved me and that he still wanted to be with me.
The thing with this is that you’d think I’d be jumping up and down knowing that I have a second chance with such a great guy, someone that I didn’t want to lose in the first place and still constantly thought about. But I hesitated.
And I am still hesitating.
Yes, I want to be with him. I missed him and am obviously still in love with him. But as I imagined us getting back together and going back to what we used to be, stronger and better this time, I felt more guilty than excited.
From what I last told you guys, I’d been in and out of three long term relationships for years now; his being the longest. I’d grown up being a teenager while always being a part of someone else. I’d graduated high school, gotten a job, started college all in a relationship. I’ve transitioned into adulthood only really knowing how to get through it while relying on someone else to be by my side.
When we broke up, I made a promise to myself that I was going to get to know myself on my own. That this was my window and opportunity to really figure out who I am as a single and as an individual. This was my small window that allowed me to really be selfish in all the ways that benefited me.
I’m hesitating because i don’t know which one I want more. Him or myself. And it’s terrifying me to let either of them go.