Dear Old Friend,
I’ve known you since I was twelve years old. You’ve been a part of many of the milestones in my life. You’ve been there for me more than other friends have and always went above and beyond; through cheating boyfriends and through that time my “friends” turned their backs on me. Needless to say, you were a better friend than I ever was through our eight years of friendship.
I fought for our friendship countless of times against old boyfriends when they were threatened by you and didn’t want me to be around you. You defended our friendship against your old girlfriend that practically forbade you from speaking to me. But we were best friends and no one was going to get in the middle of that. Yes, there was something a little bit more than friends between us. We even tried dating for those two weeks freshman year. Things were messy in my life at that time and I shouldn’t have brought you in to that. You meant more to me than any other male friend in my life.
When we were fifteen, we made a pact to each other. If neither of us were married or in a serious relationship by the time that we were twenty-seven, we were going to be together as each other’s back up plans. We both agreed that neither of us wanted to get married and have kids after we were old and past thirty. Though yes, sometimes I found you attractive, after that pact, things changed between us.
I thought of the back up plan as simply that-a back up plan. You didn’t and I didn’t realize it until earlier this year when my boyfriend and I broke up and you tried to get together one more time. I’m no angel, there were moments in the past couple of years where I should’ve discouraged you and I didn’t because I didn’t think of it as anything more than your usual flirtatiousness. Everyone else saw it as clear as day but I didn’t. To me, you were still just my best friend.
You and I haven’t talked in months, not since I told you how I really felt about our pact. I guess, this time it was my fault because I never reached out after we had that conversation. You did twice, but never again after that. You didn’t wish me a happy birthday and when I wished you a Merry Christmas, you gave me the impersonal “you too”. In those months that we haven’t spoken, a part of me always dreaded thinking that I’d lost you as my best friend, or just as a friend in general. I didn’t like the thought of not having you in my life.
Maybe my sending you the Merry Christmas text was my way of reaching out to you and seeing if there was much left in our friendship. The thing with the realization of the fact that there wasn’t much anymore was that I’m okay with it. I think it’s good for us to lose touch, at least for now. We’ve held on to an unrealistic pact at such a young age in our lives that it was hard to keep our friendship simple.
I’m okay to not have you in my life right now and I think it’s best that I not be in yours right now either. I thought I would be angrier about this change, but I’m not. Maybe we grew apart from each other a long time ago? We’re in our twenties now. We shouldn’t have to feel bad about each other anymore.
So I hope that you have a very happy twentieth birthday, a great summer, great holidays, and whatever comes after that. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a good enough friend to fight for our friendship one last time.