Teeth-Grinding Kind of Anger

Have you ever had to keep yourself from speaking your mind about things that bother you because you know that the second the words leave your mouth, it’ll start off a snowball of bad events?

I’m not a very outspoken person and usually keep things to myself for the fear that I’ll make thing worse. I’ve been trying to stop doing this; to stop keeping things inside because one day I’m going to blow up and it won’t be pretty.

But how can I allow myself to speak my mind when I know, one hundred percent guaranteed, that it’ll make the situation worse?

When it has to do with the one person I know is a hot head and gets offended and angry easily and blows everything out of proportion? When it’s with someone who will bring up old problems and old feelings and who will throw things in my face that will make me feel like the most ungrateful person in the entire world- which will only make me angrier?

Simply trying to have an adult conversation with him is just a fantasy. The minute that I tell him what bothered me about his actions, it’ll turn into a “This is how you treat me after everything I’ve done for you?” kind of argument. I don’t feel like rehashing moments where I was allowed to be stepped all over because I never said anything about it.

Problem: My stepdad and boyfriend had a conversation today. Someone crossed the line into an area in my life that they have no say in how I choose to live it, or how the other person in  my life is living theirs.

It was literally the only thing I could think of for the rest of the day. At work, I tried to come up with ways on how to enter the conversation in a way that wouldn’t sound like I wasn’t “overreacting” or like I was “ungrateful”. But as soon as I walked in through my front door, all the anger bubbled up in my throat and sank down into my stomach. I said hello to everyone and went to my room, not saying a single word after that.

This, fellow readers, has been my life. I’ve put myself in this bubble of not allowing my anger to be voiced and knowing that once I do, I will be looked at as someone who needs an attitude adjustment and is acting out out of nowhere.

I don’t voice my anger to the people who provide me with shelter and food as I go to college because yes, I will be looked at as ungrateful, no matter how grateful I’m constantly telling them that I am for what they do for me. If I do, things gifted to me will be threatened to be taken away. Things promised will be threatened to not happen.

Cons of still living with your parents and being totally dependent on them at 20 years old.

So I don’t say anything. But lately, I’ve been getting pretty damn close and the seriousness of the consequences have been becoming less threatening.

-Sabrina

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