You looked at them one day and realized the thing that frightened you most in the entire world. It couldn’t be true, so you ignored it, and went on about your day as if it didn’t just fall right in front of your path. You held their hand and left it standing behind you. Surely, it wasn’t going to follow you. You were happy, you were always happy. You loved being happy with them. How could you not be? They were so good to you, so good for you. You knew for a fact that no one else was this good. So you held on like you were never going to let it go. You started school, they started work, and you rarely saw each other anymore. You began to feel like just texting them was a bother to their day. That’s when you realized that it was back, and it didn’t feel like it was going away. Again, you ignored it and acted as if it never existed. This was just a bump in the road trying to throw you both off.
It didn’t stay behind this time like you wanted it to. It came back, making you believe that it wasn’t all perfect. You began to notice small things that bothered you; their lack of wanting to hold your hand or hug you in public sometimes because it was too much PDA. You are a moderate- affectionate kind of person. You began to notice how they showed their friends off to their larger circle of friends more than they showed you off. You didn’t want someone obsessed with you, but showing that they’re proud to have you wouldn’t hurt. They’d always been like that. Then that became a sore spot in your heart. You didn’t like their friends anymore.
You began to feel like you wanted to spend time with them more than they wanted to spend time with you; them making plans with their friends when they didn’t have work instead of making plans to go out somewhere different with you. You’re routine became going to their house, eating, sometimes having sex, and then either going to work or going home. Every free chance either of you had before work, this was what you did.
The second time it really impacted your mood was when you two were in the middle of having sex. You were underneath them. Normally, you would feel a lover’s high; satisfied and closer to them all at once. But that never came. You changed positions, they were now underneath you, looking up at you, and all you wanted was for it to be over so you could go home. That was the most distant you’d ever felt throughout the entire relationship.
It lived inside your mind now. It made you aware of the small phrases and attitudes they would have, as if they were speaking through a microphone straight into your ear. Simple phrases became them voicing out that you bothered them, that you act different, or that you’re boring. Harmless comments on another person’s appearance became them comparing you to this stranger. It’s all in your head, you keep reminding yourself that it’s it and not you or them.
But no matter how hard you try, you can’t shake it anymore. You have so much love and appreciation for them which confuses you. When you’re with them, you’re happy. You feel safe and loved despite whatever it makes you feel. But when you’re not with them, you began to doubt it all. It’s been so long, how could it just make it all go away? All the emotion, happiness, love?
Does it even know what love is enough to make you doubt it?
They love you. They show their love in every way that they do hold your hand, tell you you’re wonderful, and make it their life’s mission to make your life easier.
It makes you make their life harder. It‘s not fair.
You‘re not fair. They were so good to you. You weren’t so good to them. But you still wanted them for you and no one else. They were too great of a person.
So then you wondered and roamed your thoughts. You wondered if you took your lover’s high, your confidence, your reassurance. You wondered if you nitpicked everything just to start arguments that only continuously dented your relationship. Not enough for them to want out, but enough to make them unhappy- you unhappy, and still want to be happy together if it was an option.
It was all on you.
What’s it going to be?
Creative Writing #1