One Year Later

At some point in your life, you meet people that you feel instantly comfortable with. You talk more often and then the next thing you know, you’re spilling your guts out to them about things that are hard to speak about with other people. They become the friends that you cherish more than others, your favorite people to talk to, and sometimes you fall in love.

When you spend the last three and a half years in that person’s company, you pick up on habits. You gain the same sense of humor; you laugh at things that would normally only make them laugh and they laugh at the puns you’re always saying. You say certain words or phrases in the way that they do. Just hearing it somewhere else reminds you of them. You become so close that you finish each other’s food when the other is full. That you carry around an extra pack of gum for them for when they run out. You carry extra napkins in  your car because they’re generally messy eaters.

You bring them along to so many new experiences. You invite them to your friends and family events because, how could you not? They’ve become your family along the way, an official member of YOUR family. Not your mom’s, dad’s, or grandparents’- YOURS. You’ve figured out a way how to sit as close as you possibly can at the dinner table without taking up all the space they need to eat. They officially claimed the left side of the bed, and you the right. Your “I miss you” hug became they’re favorite hug in the world and the way they pulled you in while standing in line at Starbucks was yours.

They’ve explored parts of your body that you didn’t think were possible. The way they kissed the soft spot in between your neck and your shoulder was possibly what really riled you up.The way their tongue trailed your chest and their palms caressed your back only lit fires that were ready to go wild. Everything in between there and then was just two bodies meshing into the one person you’ve become.

You’ve spent so much time together that when you don’t, when life gets in the way and priorities have to be rearranged, it feels like you are losing them. When they spend  more time with their friends than with you, you feel hurt. So you get angry and you take it out on them without meaning to. It doesn’t make it any better. It goes back and forth like this for a couple of months and along the way, new components are added to the now list of problems and fights. The more time they spend away from you, the more betrayed you feel. The angrier you get, the more fights are started. And the more fights that are started is when they want to spend less time with you. Less time with you equals less fighting. Less fighting equals more loving. But it’s the opposite.

The romance has died. The effort has dwindled. You still love each other and you hold on because you know it, you feel it despite it all. When you’re physically with them, all is right with the world. When you’re with them, you feel like you are over the moon and comfortable and right where you’re meant to be. But the second you go your separate ways, it doesn’t feel so reassuring anymore. It doesn’t feel so happy.

Sometimes, despite what your heart is telling you, despite loving someone more than you have ever loved anyone else, despite wanting to be with them for the rest of your life, it doesn’t work out. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to fix the problems over and over, you have to stop fixing it. You have to stop being blinded by the love you have for each other and realize that you aren’t as compatible as you were a year ago, or even a few months ago.

Sometimes you’re meant to fall so deeply in love with someone that you thought was all right for you. Someone whose treated you better than the rest, who really understood you , and became your best friend. And sometimes, they’re the person you’re not supposed to end up with. That’s okay.

Sometimes, in the end of it all, you realize that you work better as best friends than you did as a couple. It sucks and it’s difficult. The thought of them ever treating anyone else the way they did you, the thought of them ever loving anyone other than you, tears your heart out all over again.

But I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me. I need to be happy, even if it’s not with youI will always have a love for you that can never be replaced. You’re still my best friend.  

I’ll be seeing you.



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