You were something. I had great moments with you and shared some great memories with people in my life. I did a bit of growing, I did a bit of learning, and I did not as much moving forward. My main focus at the beginning of your year was to focus on myself and to grow as a better person, to discover who I am. Instead, I lived through your year half-assing a lot of what I signed myself up for and allowing myself to depend on others for my happiness and my self worth. I allowed myself to emotionally wreck myself, inside and out.
I got my finger tattoo at the end of July as a constant reminder that I am in charge of my life, and that if I don’t like the way something is going, I alone have the power to change it. I didn’t follow that advice as well as I should have.
The phrase I feel I repeated most? “I don’t know why I do it, I can’t stop myself. I’ve tried.” I never really did try to change myself. I was selfish in all the wrong ways. I no longer want to live a life that I’m not happy in, that I depend on others for all of my growth and success. I no longer want to resent those in my life who are making their lives what they want just because I can’t do that with my own. Bad habits are tough to break.
You were tough, 2016. You were a lesson that I needed.
I’m not wasting you. I am not going to allow you to be another year where I doubt myself or compare myself to somebody else’s life/body, or hold myself back because I convince myself that I am not able or qualified to fulfill something. This year I am choosing to be selfish in ways that will benefit my health- emotional, mental, and physical.
I’m choosing to be happy and I’m choosing to stop being so angry with everything. I’m choosing to push myself and to dedicate myself in anything that I am involved in. I am choosing to stop complaining and to start changing.
I am choosing to love my body in the way it was given to me, to stop criticizing myself as much as I do. I am choosing to gain healthy weight and to eat sufficiently enough to not be hungry all the time.
I am choosing to feed my creativity. I am choosing to get enough rest and to unplug from my phone from a majority of the day.
I am choosing to rely on myself, to be kind to myself, and to motivate myself. I am choosing to spend some real alone time with ME and acquaint myself with the 21 year old with big dreams.
It’s time I starve the negative and feed the positive.
A Facebook friend of mine posted something at the end of the Fall semester that really stuck with me. She posted “I am too busy watering my own grass to check if yours is greener.”
I’m ready for you, 2017. Please be good.